The random ramblings of a perpetual procrastinator. These are the life & times of a nursing home CNA navigating the ups & downs of living with someone who's living with a disability. A sometimes amusing, sometimes bittersweet look at my journey into real adulthood.

Friday, April 30, 2010

I love him dearly, but I may have to kill him

When I started dating DJ I knew that he would need more help than most people.  For those of you that don't know, he has Muscular Dystrophy.  If' you're interested in more information, read this.

 DJ is in a wheelchair full time.  Our new house is fully handicap accessible, which is an absolute blessing.  The kitchen counters are low enough for him to use, he can roll under the sink & stove top, our oven door opens sideways so he doesn't have to lean over it to get things in & out & we have a roll in shower.

Even still, there's a lot of things out of reach or just generally too difficult for him to do on his own.  I don't mind doing any of those things.  I don't even mind helping with the things he can do on his own if that makes it easier for him.


If you use the last of something THROW THE GODDAMN BOX AWAY!!!!

We had this conversation recently, & he swore that he "didn't know it was the last one."  It was a box with packs of crackers in it (which has no lid, by the way), so I'm not sure how he couldn't have know, but whatever.  I made my point, so I let it go...until today.

I came home from the grocery store today, & as I'm putting things away I find a box - with one granola bar left.  No big deal, right?  Wrong.  DJ eats granola bars like they're becoming extinct.  That box should have been long gone, but mysteriously, there's one left.  I'm pretty sure he left it in there because he didn't feel like throwing the box away.


Disability or not, that was just plain lazy.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

I have to be nice to him. He's my girlfriend's husband.

Ever heard of a work spouse?  You know, the opposite-sex friend from your job that you spend the most time with.  If you don't have one, get one.  I adore mine.  And the best part?  He & DJ know each other, & DJ knows the premis of our "work marriage."  He thinks it's hilarious, so no one ever gets hurt feelings.

I'm the kind of person who needs to get things off my chest when I'm upset (Who me?  No, never.  Not me...).  That's not always the easiest thing to do at work.  When the truth comes out feelings get hurt, awkwardness ensues & it ain't pretty.  But Work Hubby & I have developed a solution:  car conversations.

When one of us (more often me...ok, mostly me...ok, in 2 years it only hasn't been be once) needs to vent, we go out for lunch.  What happens in the car, stays in the car.  It's a perfect set-up, & one I will miss dearly when I leave my current job.

Anyway, today we had a car conversation.  I can't say what it's about becuase the first rule of Fight Club is:  NEVER talk about Fight Club.  That being said, there is a funny story I'd like to share...

As we were pulling back into the parking lot & I wrapped up my tale of woe, Work Hubby says, "Remember that time a few months ago when you were really mad, but wouldn't say why?  What was that about?" 

I'll be honest, I consider myself "really mad" more often than not.  In fact, no one (at work) ever sees me more angry the him.  The fact that he remembered an occasion when I was more mad than usual is interesting to me, so I questioned him about the circumstances (because I didn't remember.  How ironic?).  Here's what he said:

"I came up to you & said, "Hi"  Then you were all like, "Ahhhh!!! GRRRRR!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!"

It loses a lot unless you actually see him act it out.  He made me out to be a snarling, Wolverine-like, mutant version of myself.  And I won't deny, that's probably exactly how I was acting.

Point being this:  I've had a really rough few days coping with the idea of leaving my job.  Even though I'm miserable with the work, this is the kind of environment I'd be leaving behind.  Sure, Work Hubby & I will always be friends...but it won't be the same.  And I know I will never work around people like this again.  I don't just mean this one person either.  I'm talking about Groundhog's Day carolling, sending ransom emails (accomponied by photos!) for stuff animals stolen out of offices & meetings where we discuss somone's camel toe.

It's an adjustment I know I want, but it's bittersweet.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

That old feeling

Since I was down in the dumps yesterday I forgot to mention that I got a call about the job I applied for!  I have an interview scheduled for Friday!

Now I'm back to nervous/excited/guilty.  Ive been at my job for 5 years.  The truth is, I care about it & the people there much more than they care about me.  I'm not happy, & I am definitely interested in starting over at this new job...but I just can't help but feel a little bit guilty about leaving.

I've been brainwashed.  They must be zombies.

Monday, April 26, 2010

I finally figured out what's wrong with me's my mother.

It was raining pretty steadily as I left work today.  Just after I had gotten onto the highway (at the busiest time of the day) I heard a thump &  suddenly my driver's side winsheild wiper wasn't working.  I was in the passing lane doing 65 mph & couldn't see a thing, which was freaking scary.  Luckily I  made it to the next exit & parked in an empty lot.

Being that DJ just can't get up & leave the house on his own, I called my mother for help.  After all, she was only 5 minutes away.  After finally convicing her that there was nothing I could to to fix the wiper myself here's what she said, "You'll have to wait until Bill (my stepdad) gets home.  My TV show is about to start & I'm not going to miss it."

Yep, you read that right.

So when Bill gets there he can't figure it out either.  I decide to leave my car where it is, because I can't drive it in the rain without working wipers.  When I get back to my mom's house (the other part of the story is that neither she nor Bill could be bothered to take me home because it's "too far") she's watching an episode of Tori Spelling's reality show.  This was so important because Tori's daughter was having a birthday, & her estranged mother was invited to the party.  My mother was more concerned with Tori Spelling's relationship with her mother than she was with her first born being stranded in an empty parking lot.

Yep, you read that right.

So if you continue to read this blog & wonder how I got so screwed up, refer back to this post for a quick & easy explanation.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Celebrate. Remember . Fight back.

Had an absolute blast yesterday at the auction!  There was yummy treats, lots of door prizes & tons of great items up for auction.  Our table kept winning, & we were loud & obnoxious about it.

I had never even heard of a quarter auction before, so it was a new experience for me.  It's an awesome idea for a fundraiser.  Here's how it works:

  • Our ticket got us one auction paddle.  When we arrived, we picked a bingo chip with a random number on it.  That number was added to a bin where the winners would be drawn from, & we got a corresponding paddle.
  • Additional paddles were $2 each, so you could have more than one chance to win auction items.
  • We got a catalog with a list of auction items & how many "quarters" it cost to bid on each.  The bids ranged from 1 quarter to 4 quarters.
  • When it came time for bidding, we put the appropriate amount of quarters in a cup on the table.  If you bid with more than one paddle, you had to pay the bid amount for each additional one.
  • After all the bids were made, the quarters were collected & a paddle number was selected.  If the person who had that paddle bid, they win the item.
I only won a door prize that I couldn't use, but luckily traded with Jenn for one I could use!   My friend Amanda felt sorry for me too, so she shared one of her prizes with me.  It's an adorable walled from Thirty One Gifts.  Check them out.  They have great stuff!

At the end of the day I didn't mind that I didn't win much.  The title of this blog is the slogan that was printed in the auction book, & exactly what the we did yesterday.  It really was more than just a quarter auction.

Friday, April 23, 2010

It's more than just a quarter auction.

Tomorrow I'm going to a quarter auction with my mom, my sister & two of my best friends.  I'm sure it will be a lovely afternoon where we can all buy things we don't need & not feel bad about it because they're cheap!  Who doesn't love that?

The event is a fundraiser my mom's job is holding to benefit the American Cancer Society.  It's the newest addition to the laundry list of Cancer Society fundraisers I've participated in.  I've volunteered for Daffodil Days, bought plenty of those same daffodils, sold candy bars, bought plenty of those same candy bars, bought raffle tickets, sponsored relay teams, etc...

My very long car ride home gave me some time to think about why they've been so important to me.  And the reason is, I do it for my grandparents.  My Grandpa died just before I turned 10, & my Grandma died when I was 15.  Not a day goes by that I don't miss them & wish I had more time.

Even after all this time, I still have angry moments.  Sometimes I'm mad at God; sometimes I'm mad at cancer.  Being mad at God doesn't work, but I can do something about being mad at cancer - and the fundraisers are what I do.  I'm fighting back.  Maybe that seems trivial since my loved ones are gone, but I don't think so.  What I think about is all the people who were "fighting" while my grandparents were sick.  Even though we didn't win the fight in time, I know it wasn't for nothing & I'm going to keep on fighting for all those people who are going through it now.

Miss you lots Grandma & Grandpa!  Love you! xoxo

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Gonna make a change for once in my life.

I've been working since I was 16, & I've only had two jobs.  The first was at a pet store, & I worked there for four years.  The second is my current job, a Call Center Supervisor.  I've been with the company for five years now.  I used to love it, but over the last year I've gotten sick of it.  I'm a salary employee who works 40+ hours a week & more than my fair share of weekends.  It's emotionally draining & the source of a lot of arguments between DJ & I.  I don't want to live like that.

But there's more to the story than just that.  I want my life to mean something.  I want to feel like a made a difference, even a small one.  I'm not interested in leaving one job for another.  I'm at the point where I need to change careers, & I've decided on nursing,

Given that there's so much going on with the new house, nursing school is on the back burner (for now...but not for long).  In the meantime, I'd like to try to get my foot in the door.  And wouldn't you know, the opportunity presented itself.  A nursing home is my area is offering training classes for CNA certification.  Once I'm certified, I'm guaranteed a job.  It's second shift, which might actually work out better for me.  I'd still be on a normal sleep schedule, & I'll be home for most of the day so I can get things done.

I applied last week, & I got a call to schedule an interview today!  I have a personal day scheduled for next Friday, so I'm hoping to schedule the interview then.  I'm nervous & excited to (hopefully) start a new chapter, but I'm also feeling a little guilty about ending the previous one.  Sigh. 

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I'm officially over it.

Here's what I did when I came home from work today:

  • Cleaned up 2 piles of doggie diarrhea
  • Cleaned up cat vomit
  • Changed a litter box
...and that was still better than work.

I would like everyone who reads this...all 3 of say a prayer/burn some sage/worship a cow/do a spirit dance in hopes that I get offered the job I applied for last week.

Monday, April 19, 2010

I get by with a little help from my friends.

Believe it or not, this isn't actually my first attempt at blogging.  Shortly before I met DJ I broke off an engagement with someone else.  It forced me to reevaluate my life & take a good, hard look at all the things I didn't like.

One evening I was on a back road car ride with my oldest friend.  It's a tradition of ours.  We blast the music & vent to one another.  On this particular road trip I was talking about my self evaluation, & it turns out she was  going through one too.  We decided together to fix ourselves - physically, mentally, emotionally.  And who better to do it with than the one person who knew all the "ugly" we kept hidden from the rest of the world?

And so, the blog was born...but it was short lived, because at the end of the day, we are the BIGGEST procrastinators ever.  However, as part of the exercise, we wrote bios of one another.  Even though our "experiment" failed, they still mean so much to me &  I'd like to share them.  Maybe someone will see a little bit of themself, or someone near & dear to their heart, in what we wrote.

Marcia, by Renee

 How does one sum up Marcia? You would think that after 12 years this would be easier. Hmm....let’s see - She is without a doubt the funniest person I know. At times her sense of humor is wildly inappropriate and incredibly juvenile but she never ceases to make you laugh when you really need it. For as funny & quirky as she seems at first she is equally as shy & private. She exists mostly in her own head & some of us are just lucky enough to be let in on occasion. What she doesn’t realize about herself is how fan-freaking-tastic she really is. She is brilliant & unique. Although it will make her uncomfortable to hear it  we could all stand to be a little more like Marcia. We’ve been friends through our awkward tween phase right up to being awkward twenty-somethings. She has seen me at my worst. I am most myself when I’m with her because she doesn’t expect me to hide the flaws. Our relationship has weathered it’s own Dark Age and yet we’ve emerged closer on the other side. There were moments when no one made me angrier than she did and I’m sure she feels the same way about me. But in spite of all that’s happened she is the one person who has always been there. I sincerely hope she feels the same way about that too. I realize that in describing her I’ve ended up talking about myself a lot & that’s because she is so much a part of who I am. I don’t know if I’d be brave enough to fix myself if she weren’t coming along for the ride. She’s more than my friend or even best friend. She’s my family. And to be perfectly honest I wouldn’t want to share the ups or downs of this experiment with anyone else. 

Renee, by Marcia

If you're looking for the definition of opposites you need look no further than myself and Renee. Renee, whether she likes it or not, radiates her emotions brightly into the world. You'll never have to ask how she's feeling on any particular day because it's always clear. Throughout her life Renee has had to develop a facade of toughness and bravado; what you may not know is that it masks a vulnerability and insecurity that she really doesn't deserve to feel. Renee is fiercely loyal to her family, friends and career. She will be the very first in line to set aside her happiness to aid someone she cares about. If she's let you into her world you need to consider yourself a lucky person. And for those of you who have seen your way out of Renee's World for whatever reasons (moving, breakup, epic fallout) you need to realize that she's never stopped loving you. She's not able to. You're forever nestled in her thoughts. She's a rare type who, unlike myself, is always fighting on the side of optimism and love. She believes in the happy ending, and I sincerely hope she finds it. She's a stellar human being. And there you have it my summary of my friend Renee.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Tell me how you really feel.

I can't very well mention Sunday in my blog title & then not post on Sunday - although at this point, I realize I'm talking to myself.  In any event, I figured I'll take this opportunity to explain where the blog title came from. 

There are two influences: 

The first is my shocking realization that everything in this area is closed on Sunday, & the even more shocking realization that things are closed because everyone in the county (aside from the people I'm related to) is at church.  I mean everyone.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that going to church is a bad thing.  But what about the rest of us?  What fun things are we supposed to do on our lazy Sundays if all the fun things are closed?

The second influence is just my overall opinion of Sunday.  As you might have already gathered, I'm not a "get up & go to church" kind of girl.  And even though I'm kind of annoyed about everything being closed, I generally refuse to do work of any kind on a Sunday.  I love nothing more than doing nothing on a Sunday, although I usually spend the day doing boring, grown-up chores.  Lame.

But, in honor of the new blog, I decided to take the day off.  Below is a list of things I should have done today, followed by a list of things I actually did today.

Should have done:
  •  Laundry
  • Cleaned the bathrooms
  • Cleaned the kitchen
  • Vacummed
  • Gone grocery shopping
  • Dyed my hair (which is long overdue, I might add)
  • Continued organizing our spare bedroom, which is where I piled all the junk from our recent January.  Tee hee!

What I actually did:
  • Laundry (Ok, I let that one slip.  But only because I need something to wear tomorrow.)
  • Baked chocolate chip muffins.  And by "baked" I mean filled a muffin pan with pre-made batter.
  • Wasted time on Facebook
  • Wasted time on Blogger
  • Took a half-assed shower (I rinsed my hair, but didn't wash it because I wanted to dye it & dye sticks better to dirty hair.  Gross...)
  • Watched Kull the Conqueror because my boyfriend is a loser
  • Watched a 2-year-old put a dirty cat toy in her mouth, then crawl around on the floor that I didn't vacuum
  • Cleaned up 3 piles of doggie diarrhea.  It was runny too.
  • Watched a neighborhood cat use my yard as a litter box
  • Watched The In Laws with Michael Douglas & Ryan Reynolds.  That was cute; much better than Kull the Conqueror
Maybe this can be my theme?  Sure it can!  In honor of lazy Sundays, I'll keep a similar list each week.  I'll be able to keep track of how unproductive I am (How depressing?), & hopefully give someone a good chuckle...if anyone ever actually reads this.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

I hate the sun.

Why, oh why, do I have to work today? I don't want to be awake, & I certainly don't want to deal with work.

It's the same old story: I have a ton of crap to get done, but it won't happen because of constant interruptions, personnel issues & training classes.

So, once again, I'll be behind...even though I just got caught up yesterday.


Friday, April 16, 2010

Here goes nothing...

I love my boyfriend. I know that sounds like a terrible way to start a blog, but I swear there's a point - just go with it.

DJ is great. He loves me for me, & I'll be the first to admit that it's not always easy to do. One of the things he can't stand is bitching. My lack of a Y chromosome means I do, on occasion, find something to bitch about...

Who am I kidding? I do it all day, everyday. I know this about myself, & I accept it. However, in the interest of preserving my relationship, I'm going to try to blog it.

But don't fret, it won't be all bad. I'm at a fork in the road of my life, so there will be plenty to talk about, such as: buying a house, going back to school & adventures in crafting with my sister-in-law (to be - someday...but who's keeping track?).