The random ramblings of a perpetual procrastinator. These are the life & times of a nursing home CNA navigating the ups & downs of living with someone who's living with a disability. A sometimes amusing, sometimes bittersweet look at my journey into real adulthood.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I want the cheese curls.

It was a hard day at work.

One of the faves took a major turn for the worse last night, & it kept on going downhill today.  He will not be there when I get to work tomorrow, & my heart is breaking.

He's kind of a nuissance at times, & he's totally unaware of his surroundings when he comes wheeling down the hallway.  But he's also one of the sweetest people you could ever meet in your life.

He loves every kind of candy under the sun, & he has a cheese curl addiction like no other.

When other residents have passed away, I've always made time to spend a few quiet minutes with them so I could say goodbye.  It's a bittersweet experience because it's so sad, & yet I know that I am blessed to share those moments with people who sometimes have no one else.

But tonight was different.  Tonight I heard the other girls talking about how bad he looked & how things were only getting worse.  And I found every reason not to walk back that hallway.

Maybe it's selfish of me not to spend those moments with him, knowing his family wasn't there, but I couldn't bear to see him that way.  I don't want the image of him at the end in my mind.

I want the moments when he tried to sneak out of bed late at night because he just couldn't sleep if he didn't have some cookies.

I want the memories of him calling me "such a kind soul" just because I would help him change & get ready for bed.

I want the laughter that came along with all the quirky things he said & did.

I want the cheese curls, & I'm going to keep them always.


  1. Renee,
    Charish your wonderful memories and leave it at that. Patients ( clients) touch our hearts in different ways and you accept, and handle, their passing differently.
    Pass the cheese curls,

  2. Shawn up there said it the best...


  3. oh no. los cheetos? :( I'm so sad to hear this. I know he was one of your favs. *hugs*

  4. <3 <3 <3
    thinking about you both.

  5. Oh, that's rough! He sounds like he was my kind of people with the candy/sweets addiction! Sending you cyber-hugs!

  6. Sounds like two things:

    1) You have an incredibly tough job, emotionally.
    2) You are exactly the kind of person anybody would want to have doing it.

    Bless your heart.