The random ramblings of a perpetual procrastinator. These are the life & times of a nursing home CNA navigating the ups & downs of living with someone who's living with a disability. A sometimes amusing, sometimes bittersweet look at my journey into real adulthood.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I am too hard on myself; always have been, always will be.

Compared to the other girls in my CNA class, I do pretty well.  I score well on quizzes, understand the concepts being described & excelled in our first clinical evaluation today.

We had to thicken liquids for residents who have swallowing issues (which, by the way, is 10 times more disgusting than the prolapsed uterus from the other day!). 

Liquids (water, milk, soda, coffee, soup, etc) are thicked to one of three consistencies:  nectar, honey & spoon-thickened - which is like pudding.  Imagine having to drink like that...gross.

Powdered thickener gets added to the liquid & stirred.  It doesn't thinken instantly, so you kind of have to approximate what you need & add little by little as necessary.  If too much is added it turns to wallpaper paste very quickly.

I was working in a group of 5 other trainees, & I was the only one who successfully thickened to the right consistency.  Woo hoo!

Except, my "woo hoo" moment is being interupted by a nagging feeling of inadequecy.  Why?  I don't know.  I think it's a combination of low self-esteem & the fact that I take everything personally.  Although the trainer told me my thickening was good, I took all the other critiques very much to heart.  She wasn't harsh about it, & she was absolutely right - but I feel like I'm failing miserably anyway.

Given the stress of training, the fact that we  STILL didn't make settlement like we were supposed to today because the bank contact we're dealing with is a fucking idiot of another stupid paperwork snafoo & the fact that I got stung by a wasp on my lunch break I am pretty exhausted. 

I could cry, but I'm just too tired.

I just want to go to bed & wake up on Saturday.

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